In 2004, a group of Italian archaeologists made one of the most amazing discoveries of the early 21^st century. They unearthed a previously unknown painting by Michelangelo, believed to be the inspiration for his subsequent masterpiece, Mona Lisa. This painting, called Mona Lisa in the Bathtub, is one of the pivotal Renaissance works of art, a period better known to its contemporaries as "Epocum di Artisti Homosexualis".

Mona Lisa in the Bathtub with Pro V Shampoo and Conditioner

Mona Lisa in the Bathtub with Pro V Shampoo and Conditioner

Michelangelo revolutionized Renaissance artistic landscape and, as such, exerted great influence on many young artists who ended up going nowhere in their lives. His influence, at once shocking but not absorbing, is even more significant when one doesn’t considers the insignificance of his influence. The score of artists who followed him truly believed in a world where one can draw two parallel lines and colour the in between space and call it art.

This painting has come to symbolize the agony of humanity lost in an ever shifting post hygienic era, where soap and shampoo are missing. Yet, the yearning for a global village where everyone is a potential village idiot is strong. 

Removed from reality, and his underwear, Michelangelo opens up a new door to art, as he closes many to his ass, exposing his glorious gluteus maximus. His legacy is not so much in form, substance, convention or novelty he brings in, but in the fact that I know how to spell these words. He is most definitely in the top ten most influential artists of all time even though it is futile to rank artists since most don't know how to count.

Michelangelo came from the illustrious Vermicelli family known for its patronage of music and sausage. The Vermicellis were one of the two powerful families in Northern Italy during early Renaissance, the other being the Panzerrotis with whom they competed for supremacy in Florence and Venice. 

One of the main points of friction between the two families was their pedigree. The Vermicellis were direct descendants of Alfredo Fetuccini, who had married Michelangelo’s great grandmother, Maria Molto Picolo Panini.  During the 100 year war the Paninis and the Fetuccinis had different allegiances and would not mix with each other except when forced by tomato sauce. This long family feud gave rise to rivalries which at times were violent and unpredictable, but always included Calamari.

Although little of this feud is known, there are documents which shed light on how the Fetuccinis tried to undercut the Vermicelli’s patronage of sausage arts to damage Michelangelo’s reputation. 

A projection of human existential angst, Mona Lisa in the Bathtub is an expression of man's hunger after eating dumpling, and sees the world as a composition that reflects the unconscious will of a cosmopolitan villager looking for a ride to a local witch burning jam. 

Later in life, Michelangelo confessed that Mona Lisa in the Bathtub not only inspired him to paint his master piece, Mona Lisa, but also encouraged him to shower more frequently, itself a challenge in medieval times.  

In Mona Lisa in the Bathtub we see the desire to use shampoo, yet, the sculptural elements in the painting point to a digestive symbolism that to this day upsets one’s inner turmoil as one looks for public bathroom. Therefore, it is not surprising that today’s mediocre exhibitions owe so much to Mona Lisa in the Bathtub’s revolutionary interpretation of water as a washing agent. 

This style of painting, which lacks both form and substance, gave way, later on, to a popular style adopted in the 20^th century called “constipated impressionism”. The focus of the style is to zoom in on the agony of human condition while being constipated during the creative process. As one studies the details of this masterpiece, it is easy to realize why so many modern artists draw inspiration from it as it democratizes art to the point that even a painter with the artistic ability of a four year old can draw on a canvas and sell it to international art museums.

Michelangelo's journey as an artist is a journey without a ticket, full of passengers who forgot to use deodorant. The new discovery will undoubtedly become an object of inspiration for countless talentless aspiring artists who will never make it but feel educated enough to talk about art in local cafes. 

Upon reflecting on Mona Lisa in the bathtub, it is hard not to realize that there is not much to reflect on except the desire of one of the most acclaimed artists of human civilization to have a few moments alone in the bathroom, preferably with running water.

Written for “Modern Art” Magazine, April 2017

Ped Shawn, Editor-at-large

 

The Many Perils of Dating a Woman Subsequent to Brexit and the Many Challenges This Exit Presents to the Future of European Union at a Time When Russia’s Aggressive Response to the US Hegemony in the Middle East and North Africa Is Creating Unknown Geo-Political Uncertainties with Direct Impact to the Future Economic Growth of G7 Countries

Hey! I'm right here right  by Vladimir Knight Statue

As I start crossing the corridor that separates the warring factions I have a grin on my face; kind of laughing at how I got here; I mean quite literally here, in Kiev, Ukraine, about to meet someone for the first time.

I was about to go on a long awaited vacation for some quite time and soul searching when my phone rang. It was one of the contractor’s in our office,

"Pedram, do you mind if I talk to you?”, in a strong but sweet Russian accent

“Of course”. Is everything OK?”

“Oh, yes, everything ok. Just want to speak to you in private about something”

“OK, just give me a few minutes and I meet you in the conference room”. 

I assumed the worst. I had hired him almost a year ago and was a very technically strong resource whom I feared was about to quit at the worst possible time. I meet him in the conference room. We both sit down and he starts to talk,

“You have to forgive me Pedram, I really hope I am not out of place saying this but I’ve worked with you for almost a year and I really feel like you are also my friend”

“No worries, and thank you for trusting me so much but give it to me straight, you’re about to quit aren’t you?

“Quit? Oh, no! you have this all wrong! It is not about that at all”

Relieved I sigh out loud and say, “thank God, because this would have been the worst time. So what is it?”

“Well, that’s why I had to apologise first. I found out you were going to Kiev and my wife knows this absolutely wonderful, sweet, beautiful woman whom she’s known since high school and I wanted to see if you’d be OK meeting with her while you’re there”

I was surprised. To be honest I was shocked. I thought, “am I getting to the point that random people now approach me and want to set me up with their friends and colleagues?” So I said, “Vladimir, this is really quite nice of you but I really think this is not the best idea”

“No, no just listen. I won’t even ask what happened there, it is completely up to you. I won’t be so presumptuous as to think you will discuss meeting her. I just think, well, to be honest I was surprised you were not married; I mean you are such a gentleman. Since my wife met you at the office Christmas party she is constantly asking me if you are with someone. So, I only say this as a colleague and hopefully a friend, that this may be worth one hour of your time while you’re in Kiev”

I tried to be non-committal and left the meeting somewhat amused. I was thinking the only one at this point who hasn’t tried to set me up with someone is Kim Jung Un, and that, for obvious reasons (I think).

So a few days go by and all of a sudden I get a message from Vladimir in my gmail account with a few pictures of his wife’s friend. I took a look and my first reaction was: “Wow! There is definitely a situation there in Easter Europe and European Union expansion into a former Soviet republic can undoubtedly have a negative impact on East-West relations” (as you can imagine, this is not really what I thought but to keep things clean let’s say that’s what went though my mind).

I thought to myself, “hmmm! well, how bad can it be? I mean I’ve experienced dating Persian girls with their check lists, their “don’t let anyone see us’s”, “I may be with you but no one should know’s”, and ‘’it’s not me, it’s you’s’’ (side note: everyone knows); White girls with their baggage from previous break-ups enough to keep a fully automated airport baggage handling system busy for days, and their ‘’it’s not you, it’s me’s’’ (my advice: get over it); Asian girls and their confusion about cross-ethnic dating, their ‘’it’s not me and it’s not you, I don’t know what this means’s”, and their obsession with cartoon inspired accessories AT FORTY! (news flash: really not cute when you’re past sixteen). So, how bad this idea can be? Really! It can’t possibly be worse. As a matter of fact, I am positive it won’t be worse.

A couple of days later I asked Vladimir to give me her contact details. Just before leaving for Kiev I messaged her to set a date to meet up. She replied back with her personal phone number and the suggested venue and then I suggested the day and time.

Three weeks go by and I am almost at the end of my vacation. A few days before leaving for Toronto, I get ready to meet her. As I am about to leave the hotel room I turn on the TV and hear that police in Kiev is expecting demonstrations in the streets near downtown between pro-Russian and Ukrainian rival factions. I pause for a few seconds thinking this may be my queue to cancel the whole thing. Surprisingly, I get a message from her at the exact same time asking if I still want to meet as the city may be a bit tense. All my doubts go away. I text back that I’d be there as agreed. I mean, let’s be honest, I went to Iran and got arrested by morality police four times and survived, so dating under extreme circumstances isn’t exactly alien to me.

I leave the hotel room and take a cab to the address where we were supposed to meet.

As I start to look around for the coffee shop in question I can hear the shouting and yelling of the crowd as the two sides start converging towards the same point with some swinging batons and sticks in the air. The police form two parallel human walls on the two sides of the intersection to keep the demonstrators from getting into an all out war. I start stepping back towards the wall about 30 yards away from the pro-Russian demonstrators. There is a big round-about in the middle of intersection with water fountains still shooting up in the air. It is getting a bit breezy. It is 7 PM, cloudy and fumes from canisters making the visibility harder. I move a bit further to my left to get a clearer view of the coffee shops across the expansive, eight lane street.

All of a sudden, I see Lyuda waving at me from afar and pointing to her cell phone. I look at my phone and realize that because of the noise and mayhem around me I’d missed 6 calls from her. I try calling back but can’t place a call, all the lines are busy. So I text her, “I am coming across”. At this point, I hear a couple of gunshots and I duck instinctively. The police are really pushing back hard to keep the demonstrators from invading the square. She texts back,

“Are you sure? I am used to this but it may be dangerous for you. I mean specially because you don’t look Russian and there are gun shots and bullets flying around”

I keep silent for a couple of seconds and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, “I dated Persian girls”

She responds, “Oh! OK. You should be OK then”

So I wait for a few seconds to make sure I can make it across the round about in a quick dash. I make a run for it and in the process I am pretty sure I beat the 50-yard Olympic record, if there was one. As I begin to run all my previous dates and set ups begin to flash before my eyes: the woman who was going over a questionnaire on our first date; the one who said I was too nice to be genuine; the one who wanted an open relationship; the narcissist; the femme fatale;... (at this point you are thinking, “boy he knows how to pick them!”)

As I get closer to the other side I slow down. She walks up to me laughing,

“This is quite a first meeting!”

“You’re telling me!” I say as I try to catch my breath

“So should we go in?”

“Absolutely…”

The Police were beginning to take control of the square and the fumes were beginning to clear up. There were still sporadic aerial gunshots being heard but the worst seemed to have been over.

As our encounter continued I couldn’t help but think about the many perils of modern day dating, particularly in the current geo-political environment. There are many reasons why finding your perfect match is more difficult now than before: climate change, Guantanamo and ISIL to name a few. But despite all these challenges one can always have hope for a better future, not so much for others but for oneself.

I just hope everything is resolved before I have to appeal to Kim Jung Un’s good senses.

Hitler's First Online Chat

"Don't make me giggle you naughty girls"

It took me 4 years of research, hard work and quite a few adventures, adventures which would make The Da Vinci Code read like a children story, to uncover one of the most closely guarded secrets of the last 70 years: Hitler's online chats and his effort to find a date on Internet  (or as it was known at the time "Hitlernet"). 

I am in a position now to publish some of Hitler's online shenanigans in a multi-part series on my blog. This particular chapter deals with a girl Hitler met on the website NOHARMONY.REICH. According to the archives, Hitler had already sent a couple of Nazi salutes (equivalent to “like” on Facebook) to which the girl hadn’t responded to. He subsequently ordered a crack team of hackers in Gestapo's employ to hack into her account and force her to chat with him. 

Here is Hitler's first chat which originally took place in March 1938:

===========================================

Hitler: Heil cutie!

Stefanie: Heil? You mean hi!

Hitler: No, I mean Heil

Stefanie: But Heil who?

Hitler: Heil me

Stefanie: Heil you? Why you? Who are you? You must have a really big ego

Hitler: Well, I am Hitler, but you can call me Fuhrer. And yes, I have a big ego. I am German

Stefanie: I thought you were Austrian

Hitler: German, Austrian, schnitzel, schnatzel. We’re all the same

Stefanie: No we’re not, different history, different worldview, different…

Hitler: SHUT UP, You are getting on my nerves, are you going to salute me or should I send the Gestapo

Stefanie: Hey, hey, take it easy! This is a dating site, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward

Hitler: This is my best foot

Stefanie: I hate to see your bad foot

Hitler: Would you like to see my bad foot?

Stefanie: Why would I want to see your bad foot?

Hitler: Well, I am the Fuhrer; even my bad foot is awesome

Stefanie: So what brought you to this site?

Hitler: Well, I am feeling a bit lonely; I thought I should look for a companion

Stefanie: Well, what do you expect, you hate every other race on earth, and you start wars, kill and jail innocent people…

Hitler: What’s your point? Should I be alone because of my beliefs?

Stefanie: No, I’m saying you should be alone because you’re crazy

Hitler: I’m crazy for you!

Stefanie: No, I mean you are actually crazy!

Hitler: No, I’m just misunderstood

Stefanie: Hmmm, I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure you’re crazy

Hitler: No, I am telling you, I am misunderstood

Stefanie: But why do you think that?

Hitler: Because after my speeches everyone says they couldn’t understand what I was saying

Stefanie: Could it be because you keep shouting? Who gives speeches like that?

Hitler: I do! And I shout because I want everyone to hear me

Stefanie: You know that’s what the microphone’s supposed to do for you, right?

Hitler: Really? So you mean even if I speak quietly my voice is amplified?

Stefanie: Yep! You’re not brightest bulb on the tree, are you?

……. (Hitler goes silent)

Stefanie: Are you there?

Hitler: Yes

Stefanie: How come you went quite?

Hitler: You hurt my feelings

Stefanie: What? You have feelings?

Hitler: No, but I can simulate. I watch a lot of movies

Stefanie: I never imagined you feeling bad for anything or anyone

Hitler: Because I don’t. I do feel bad for myself all the time though

Stefanie: Why?

Hitler: Promise not tell anyone

Stefanie: No

Hitler: I will kill you

Stefanie: OK, OK, I promise

Hitler: I feel like the whole world sometime is falling apart

Stefanie: Duhhh! Of course it is! It is falling apart because of you

Hitler: We haven’t even gone out once and you’re already blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in the world

Stefanie: Because you are to blame

Hitler: What! Can’t a Fuhrer start a war? What’s this world coming to? So what am I good for if I can’t even start a war in one continent, just one! There’s like another four continents I didn’t start a war in….yet.

Stefanie: Well, why do you have to mess everyone’s life up? Can’t you just help people?

Hitler: Why should I? Nobody helped me

Stefanie: Really? Nobody? Ever? Didn’t your dad ever sit with you and loved and cared for you to show you the ways of the world?

Hitler: No, he always beat me up

Stefanie: Oh! OK, I am sure your mom loved you and cared for you

Hitler: She did love me, but she was too busy working and keeping my dad from punishing me to spend quality time with me

Stefanie: Well, how about your brothers and sisters?

Hitler: I don’t have any brothers. My sister stopped talking to me a while back

Stefanie: Why?

Hitler: I don’t want to tell you

Stefanie: Why? How bad can it be? I mean your started wars for crying out loud

Hitler: Well… still… not sure if I should

Stefanie: You don’t seem like the shy type Adolf

Hitler: Call me Fuhrer

Stefanie: OK, you don’t seem like the shy type, FUHRER! Happy?

Hitler: Yes :)

Stefanie: Wow, you put a smiley in your text

Hitler: Yes, but I’m not really smiling, so you know

Stefanie: OK, I get it, you’re tough! Grrrrr ! :)

Hitler: Only I put smiley in my text, I don’t want you to have any emoticons in our conversations, only I can use them

Stefanie: OK, OK, gee, touchy!

Hitler: Don’t touch me

Stefanie: I’m not! I’m just saying don’t be so sensitive

Hitler: I`m not. Did you know I have a special division dedicated to emoticon development?

Stefanie: Really? How come?

Hitler: I am incapable of expressing real emotions, so I decided to come up with these digital displays

Stefanie: That explains a lot

Hitler: Doesn’t it? ELOL!

Stefanie: What’s ELOL?

Hitler: Evil Laugh Out Loud

Stefanie: You need help

Hitler: Mostly on the Eastern Front

Stefanie: I have to go

Hitler: So you want to go for a Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte (1) and hang out?

Stefanie: I don’t think so, you creep me out

Hitler: Can I send SS troopers to bring you over?

Stefanie: Noooooooo! I`m going to block you, don’t text me again

Hitler: I know where you live

Stefanie: What, no, please! OK I`ll have a Kirschtorte with you, but that`s all

Hitler: Good

Stefanie: Have you chatted with anybody else on this site?

Hitler: Yes, one other girl named Mitzie

Stefanie: How was she?

Hitler: She was really nice to me, she said I inspired her

Stefanie: Really? To do what?

Hitler: Not sure exactly, but the next day I read in the paper a girl name Mitzie committed suicide but survived

Stefanie: Don`t you see a pattern here?

Hitler: Hmmm, you got me thinking

Stefanie: About time someone did!

Hitler: So are we on for tomorrow?

Stefanie: Do I have a choice?

Hitler: No

Stefanie: So I guess we are

Hitler: OK, I`ll send a Panzer division to pick you up

Stefanie: The whole division?

Hitler: Yes, it’s really for me, not you, you are insignificant

Stefanie: Wow, that`s something every woman wants to hear

Hitler: I know! Great, I`ll see you in a Blitzkrieg!

Stefanie: :(

Hitler: If I had a country for every time someone sent me that emoticon! I`d be ruling the world by now, ELOL!!!

[Next Chapter: Hitler Meets Stefanie]

(1) Black Forest cake

An Interview with the Director [Part Two: Politics]

The armchair revolutionary

[Continued]

Scene 6: The director, crossing his legs as he takes a sip from his latte, with Starbucks logo facing the camera:

Reporter:  Do you believe Sarah Palin dominated the news because people are stupid, or because people like watching someone they consider troubled and stupid?

Director: Well, I have an issue with the way the question is framed. First of all people means us, and let’s face it we’re all stupid to some extent. I think the entire set up of our society assumes a certain stupidity and attention to the trivial that creates wealth for the few. And when you look at it this way, you realize someone like Sarah Palin, not only is not stupid, but is probably one of the sharpest characters around. I personally don’t know anyone around me, friend or family, who managed to become governor, then quit and went on a book tour (without being able to name a book or paper she read) and made millions from selling it. She did more than that; she started her reality TV show and remained one of the most talked about characters in politics and economy by tweeting banalities that created a mass following. If you know anyone who’s done all of that then you know from that rare breed of sharp and astute characters that always plan ten steps ahead! You may want to call her followers stupid but kudos to her for turning it to her advantage. I think people confuse stupidity with ignorance. And yes, she is ignorant of things many consider important. But that is not her problem. She lets others get worked up over what she says. She just goes rogue! That’s the image she managed to create, as unbelievable as that may be.

Reporter: Would you have picked a partner like her?

Director: I have to admit I have a weakness for strong-headed women, especially when I see them in wilderness shooting defenseless animals. There is no bigger turn on. Conservative women in particular are amazingly sexy, well dressed and good looking. They just made a decision not to wear any old rag as clothing to look like they’re for fair trade. I admire that honesty.

              

Reporter: But isn’t that disconcerting to you? I mean the fact that they have no social consciousness?

Director: Oh, I disagree. They are socially conscious but their society is a bit more exclusive than ours, let’s say it includes only 0.1% of the population.

             

Scene 7: The director has the look of someone who’s lost in his own thoughts. His cigarette has been sitting in the ash tray for a while as if he’d forgotten he’d lit it up to smoke

Reporter: You once said that you’d like to live your life in a movie? Isn’t that escapism to the max?

Director: Well, again that’s a misconception. Not every movie takes you to a good place where you'd want to be or to people you'd want to know. There are many people whose lives in the movie is something I want to escape from, and that’s real.          

Reporter: In your movies you constantly speak of revolution and portray revolutionaries, sometimes even violent revolutionary characters. Do you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Director: Well, yes but only if I don’t have to go out on the street and take part in barricades or throw Molotov cocktails at law enforcement

Reporter: But you realize if you are a revolutionary sometimes circumstances may require you to do violent acts such as the ones you just described

Director: Well, you see, the problem is I really like revolutions when I talk about them in a coffee shop with my friends. The thing is I don’t have the physical constitution for violent behavior. That’s why my fiance actually broke up with me; she wanted me to be a bit…rougher, so to speak. By the way, this last sentence was off the record.

Reporter: But don’t you think that’s hypocritical, to ask others to lay down their lives for your beliefs?

Director: You see, I think you misunderstood me again. What you have to realize is that I like to drink Skinny Lattes from Starbucks and I really don’t believe in anything that requires me to make big sacrifices; from others maybe, but not from me

Reporter: Sorry, I don’t understand, what’s the connection between skinny lattes and…

Director: Well, you can’t be a revolutionary and go to a branch of a multi-national conglomerate and order fat free latte, it is diametrically opposed to the whole idea of a revolutionary leader

Reporter: Are you lactose intolerant?

Director: Oh! No, I’m not

Reporter: Do you get points for your purchase at Starbucks?

Director: Yes I do and they give free drinks on my birthday, genius marketing stuff. You can’t go wrong

Reporter: But don’t you think you have an old fashioned view of a revolutionary leader and the image such leader should have?

Director: Well, don’t you think the whole idea of revolution is old fashion?

Reporter: So what is the solution?

Director: Evolution, gradual change

Reporter: But you just identified yourself as a revolutionary, are you contradicting yourself

Director: You know, sometimes if you keep your receipt from your morning purchase you can get 

discount on your afternoon Frappuccino

Reporter: But you’re changing the subject again

Director: No, I’m just saying revolution and coupons are incompatible

Reporter: Who said that? Che Guevara?

Director: He would have if he’d tried a Vanilla Latte

Reporter: Don’t you think he would have been appalled by what Starbucks represents?

Director: I think he would have been appalled by their coffee, I mean, Vanilla latte? Who came up with that?

Reporter: Can we focus please and get off the subject of coffee? You said you don’t have strong beliefs you’d die for

Director: Yes I said that

Reporter: many would say you’re a man without a backbone

Director: How many of those “many” do you think would actually die for their ideas?

Reporter: but don’t you want to hold yourself to higher standards as an intellectual and artist

Director: I much rather hold myself to lower standards if that means I keep on living and sell my movies. 

...To be continued

An Interview with the Director [Part One: Relationships]

To live in a movie

Scene 1: [The paparazzi start shooting as the director enters the room]

Reporter: What is your biggest dream in life?

Director: To live my life in a movie.

Scene 2: Close up; The director sitting in a chair, narrating [on personal relationships]:

Director: Well, it’s hard to know where to begin. There are so many unfinished acts in my life I wouldn’t know which one to choose, which one to follow up on, which one to finish.  I am always amazed at people who get to do few things in parallel, all seemingly successfully and still have time for a hobby or a family. For me, just doing groceries and organizing a small get together in the same day seems to be a challenge. But I think some of it has to do with my social illiteracy. Not having the right alphabet to relate to people or establish a meaningful relationship with anyone. Take my last 4 dates. Complete disasters. By the 3^rd one, I almost called in sick, except I was afraid she may ask for a doctor’s note.

Scene 3: The director and a girl in a coffee shop; director’s voice-over is narrating the event while the camera frames him and the woman sitting at the table:

Director: I remember Claudia, a very bright Mexican exchange student who was here to do part of her Master’s degree in architecture. I saw her over at my friend’s birthday party and we seemed to hit it off. So I called her up a couple of days later to see if she wants to meet up for a cup of coffee and a movie and she said yes. I remember I was very excited; she was very bright and genuinely seemed to enjoy having a conversation with me. Things, though, were very different in a one on one setting. I was very worried about not having anything to talk about and what do you know, I had nothing to talk about. Forty minutes into our date she faked a headache and left. I didn’t even know women bothered to fake headaches while having coffee but I guess there is a first for everything.

Scene 4: Close up. The director sitting in a chair talking reflectively:

I am sick. I really am. Maybe I should get that doctor’s note just in case I chicken out the last minute before I go out to meet her. I mean think about it, the whole thing is just like an interview: Have you had a similar experience in your previous relationship? What makes you a good companion? Where do you see this relationship in two years? I am already thinking this can’t lead to a promotion. And I’ll probably get a call saying: “thank you for your interest in me, unfortunately, at present I do not believe you could be successful in this position. I do, however, keep your number in file in case my circumstances change at which point I expect you to be ready to take your place in my heart as soon as possible”. What a tragedy that is.

Scene 5: The director being interviewed about social illiteracy:

Well, I mean yes, I do believe there is an element of social illiteracy in my interactions, I think I am probably one of the few who is conscious of it. Most people around me are socially illiterate, no doubt. If there was a world ranking for it, like there is for math and science, I think I’d rank in the lower half of the table slightly ahead of Hitler but probably behind Ghadafi.

              Q: But how is that a problem?

Well, it’s not if you don’t care.

              Q: But doesn’t that affect the quality of relationships and friendships?

It does but again if you’re comfortable with less quality and depth in your interactions you’re fine.  You CAN tweet your way into or out of relationships, you can remotely “poke” and virtually “like”. What’s wrong with that? I had an entire relationship based on electronic emoticons. And then I deleted myself and blocked her, or the other way around, don’t quite remember now. I was really sad. I used the crying icon to convey my feelings.

              Q: Do you like frogs?

Yes, I do

              Q: Have you ever kissed one?

Yes, by accident

              Q: What did it taste like?

Chicken

              Q: Have you ever kissed a chicken?

Well, yes, but again by accident

              Q: And the taste?

Surprisingly, not like chicken

Q: Do you think life has meaning?

I am sure it does, but I’m still looking for the dictionary that has the definition. Right now it’s all Chinese to me. And I don’t mean the simplified version.

...To be continued

The Name Is Bond…Jane Bond. And She Is a Lesbian.

Jane Bond...has the world shaken and stirred

She is sleek, she is chic. She is a cold hearted cold blooded spy-assassin. She is not a Thespian, but she is most definitely a lesbian. A lipstick lesbian.

A few days ago I was watching a very interesting documentary on Ian Fleming and how James Bond became the character and the movie franchise we all know and some of us love so much. In James Bond Fleming had incorporated his own alter ego, turning him into an ultimate “heterosexual adult male, not for school kids”. He believed that the world of tomorrow would see many villains who want to single-handedly destroy the world and a strong man with the wits and strengths of a spy and cold blooded ruthlessness of a killer would be needed to keep the world going to hell in a hand basket.

Even though many of the elements of the Cold War and conflict have changed since Fleming’s 1940s, many also remain as present as ever. But one thing Fleming could have not foreseen was the extent to which mores and ethos of societies, particularly in the Western World, would change. 

From the feminist movement and the sexual revolution all the way to the identity politics of gay rights and ethnic minority rights the world is no longer enough. Bond has managed to re-invent himself in the post-cold war era but I have a feeling the end of Bond as we know him is near. The original vision of Fleming for Bond as a quintessential heterosexual male is under threat more than ever. Who is to say, after all, that only a man can save the world? Why can’t a woman live and let die? Why can’t a bi-sexual man be the spy who loved (someone!) and on what basis shouldn’t a lesbian Bond be the one trying to save the planet so that tomorrow never dies? And what about Octopussy? Frankly, I never figured that one out!

I can already see the next generation of Bond being under review and meticulous re-design. The new Bond will be a lesbian female, against the use of force with a Starbucks membership and a well groomed poodle by her side. She believes in dialogue and understanding and buys her accessories from Michael Kors. She doesn’t speak a language other than English, but she is internet savvy and uses google translate to do her spy work. She definitely needs her weekends to herself and reaches an agreement with the most notorious terrorists on the planet not to attack and destroy the Earth on a Saturday or Sunday. She’s classy, one may say even sassy but she refuses to name her dog Lassie (too old school for her). She is witty and tries not to place herself near any explosive devices. She is not a pacifist, but she truly believes stopping villains shouldn’t require hand to hand combat or harsh interrogation tactics, given advances in science and technology. 

Wouldn’t that be something different? A Bond who is neither a misogynist nor a chauvinist? A Bond in high heels and with highlights who tries to put the terrorists in touch with their feminine side. A bond who is not only a bomb expert, but also a bombshell. 

This antithesis to Ian Fleming’s vision and imagination would be the natural outcome of a world that gradually defines and has defined not only concepts of bravery and dedication but also gender roles and, for that matter, gender itself. This new character has no penis envy. She actually has no penis. But as different, radically different, this new version of Bond may be she has two things in common with Fleming’s Bond: She never says never to a good fight, and when all is said and done, she always, always gets the girl.

Oh! Jane…