In
2004, a group of Italian archaeologists made one of the most amazing
discoveries of the early 21st century. They unearthed a previously
unknown painting by Michelangelo, believed to be the inspiration for his
subsequent masterpiece, Mona Lisa. This painting, called Mona Lisa in the
Bathtub, is one of the pivotal Renaissance works of art, a period better
known to its contemporaries as "Epocum di Artisti Homosexualis".
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This painting has come to symbolize the agony of humanity lost in an ever shifting post hygienic era, where soap and shampoo are missing. Yet, the yearning for a global village where everyone is a potential village idiot is strong.
Removed
from reality, and his underwear, Michelangelo opens up a new door to art, as he
closes many to his ass, exposing his glorious gluteus maximus. His legacy is
not so much in form, substance, convention or novelty he brings in, but in the
fact that I know how to spell these words. He is most definitely in the top ten
most influential artists of all time even though it is futile to rank artists
since most don't know how to count.
Michelangelo
came from the illustrious Vermicelli family known for its patronage of
music and sausage. The Vermicellis were one of the two powerful families in
Northern Italy during early Renaissance, the other being the Panzerrotis with
whom they competed for supremacy in Florence and Venice.
One
of the main points of friction between the two families was their pedigree. The
Vermicellis were direct descendants of Alfredo Fetuccini, who had
married Michelangelo’s great grandmother, Maria Molto Picolo Panini. During
the 100 year war the Paninis and the Fetuccinis had different allegiances and
would not mix with each other except when forced by tomato sauce. This long
family feud gave rise to rivalries which at times were violent and
unpredictable, but always included Calamari.
Although
little of this feud is known, there are documents which shed light on how the
Fetuccinis tried to undercut the Vermicelli’s patronage of sausage arts to
damage Michelangelo’s reputation.
A
projection of human existential angst, Mona Lisa in the Bathtub is an
expression of man's hunger after eating dumpling, and sees the world as a
composition that reflects the unconscious will of a cosmopolitan villager
looking for a ride to a local witch burning jam.
Later
in life, Michelangelo confessed that Mona Lisa in the Bathtub not only inspired
him to paint his master piece, Mona Lisa, but also encouraged him to shower
more frequently, itself a challenge in medieval times.
In
Mona Lisa in the Bathtub we see the desire to use shampoo, yet, the sculptural
elements in the painting point to a digestive symbolism that to this day upsets
one’s inner turmoil as one looks for public bathroom. Therefore, it is not
surprising that today’s mediocre exhibitions owe so much to Mona Lisa in the
Bathtub’s revolutionary interpretation of water as a washing agent.
This
style of painting, which lacks both form and substance, gave way, later on, to
a popular style adopted in the 20th century called “constipated
impressionism”. The focus of the style is to zoom in on the agony of human
condition while being constipated during the creative process. As one studies
the details of this masterpiece, it is easy to realize why so many modern
artists draw inspiration from it as it democratizes art to the point that even a
painter with the artistic ability of a four year old can draw on a canvas and
sell it to international art museums.
Michelangelo's
journey as an artist is a journey without a ticket, full of passengers who
forgot to use deodorant. The new discovery will undoubtedly become an object of
inspiration for countless talentless aspiring artists who will never make it
but feel educated enough to talk about art in local cafes.
Upon
reflecting on Mona Lisa in the bathtub, it is hard not to realize that there is
not much to reflect on except the desire of one of the most acclaimed artists
of human civilization to have a few moments alone in the bathroom, preferably
with running water.
Written for “Modern Art” Magazine, April 2017
Ped Shawn, Editor-at-large
