Am I Free Range?

Live Free Range Or Die Hard

Having solved all the significant issues facing our world, issues such as racism, ethnic cleansing, child labour, child soldiers, poverty and sexual slavery of helpless young girls, I decided to focus my attention on improving my dietary intake. After all, what better way to say I care about our planet than to say I want my food to be organic; not for selfish reasons, but because of the benefits it presents to the carrots and radishes inhabiting our planet and their right to grow under humane conditions. I myself had refused to accept, for the longest time, the wholesale massacre of vegetables under the banner of vegetarianism. I refused the word organic describing food since I assumed anything I eat would be, by definition, organic, which is why I eat it, and not synthetic, which is usually what I wear. However, with the advent of Obama and the coalition of hope I decided to reconsider my rigid and dogmatic view of the world and read more about healthier lifestyle: less fat, more exercise, and so on. 

One of the topics that truly captured my imagination was the issue of free range animal husbandry. At first I thought this is another alternative life style where one, after a certain period of courtship, takes a chicken or a rooster as spouse. The mechanics of such a relationship didn’t quite make sense to me but I kept my mouth shut since I did not want to be accused of bigotry. After all, who am I to judge? It wasn`t until sometime later when I realized I was reading about how chickens, eggs, and livestock in general are taken care of and produced for the purpose of human consumption. But as I read more and more I came to a radical and eye opening realization: that I am not free range. So I asked myself, isn’t it hypocritical for me to expect the animal I eat to have a better lifestyle than me?

You may ask, what do you mean? This doesn’t make sense. Well, let me explain. The definition of free range, to be clear, is: “a method of farming husbandry where the animals can roam freely for food, rather than being confined in an enclosure. On many farms, the outdoors ranging area is fenced, thereby technically making this an enclosure, however, free range systems usually offer the opportunity for extensive locomotion and sunlight prevented by indoor housing systems”. 

Well, are we, these dwellers of modern urban landscape, buried in our iPods, iPads, iMacs and other iCraps, truly roaming free? Do we see enough sunlight? Do we even notice the sun when we’re outside typing on our virtual keyboard searching for the weather condition as we are soaked wet under the pouring rain? Do we have a big enough enclosure within our cubicles, cars, local buses and subways breathing air conditioned air and observing the world under a neon light through a window, whether made of glass or version 8? Do we, these Pub inhabiting, sports-watching, video-game-in-the-basement-playing global villagers have a big enough space and a wide enough fence enclosure to roam? Would we be able to lay eggs that a free-range-chicken buys? Do we have tenderloins tender enough for a cow to buy on its local super market, preferably at full price and without a coupon? If the roles were reversed, would Donald Duck, as the inspector of organic human farms, certify us as organic, with no anti-biotic residue and chemical free? Would Donald approve our life style as stress free lives in green pastures with enough sunlight to brighten our days and pleasant enough to force us to take the drastic and dramatic step of saying hi to a stranger in the elevator? Would Donald, certify us as free range?

In all fairness, I do think of myself as a tender, somewhat delicious man, but I am not sure if I would pass this test. The fact is, I am not free range. I can only dream of being in such a farm, roaming freely with chickens and cows in peace and harmony. What would life be like with such freedom? How would I interact with my fellow free rangers? Would free love rule the farm? Would cows and chickens be able to discuss human condition? Would they be able to lead normal lives and date and form a family? If a chicken and a cow met, would they be able to date and form a family? Would their kids be shunned by the larger free range community because of their mixed background? Would their relationship be considered a lesbian relationship and would they avoid discussing the day when they will be on the McDonald’s menu list?

The fact is we will never know, and most of these questions are irrelevant to the original question anyway. But one thing we do know is we have a long way to go to reach the type of living standards we promote for our livestock. I am free, but not within range. And maybe that’s the safest way to live.