Ped Shawn's Blog

In 2004, a group of Italian archaeologists made one of the most amazing discoveries of the early 21^st century. They unearthed a previously unknown painting by Michelangelo, believed to be the inspiration for his subsequent masterpiece, Mona Lisa. This painting, called Mona Lisa in the Bathtub, is one of the pivotal Renaissance works of art, a period better known to its contemporaries as "Epocum di Artisti Homosexualis".

Mona Lisa in the Bathtub with Pro V Shampoo and Conditioner

Mona Lisa in the Bathtub with Pro V Shampoo and Conditioner

Michelangelo revolutionized Renaissance artistic landscape and, as such, exerted great influence on many young artists who ended up going nowhere in their lives. His influence, at once shocking but not absorbing, is even more significant when one doesn’t considers the insignificance of his influence. The score of artists who followed him truly believed in a world where one can draw two parallel lines and colour the in between space and call it art.

This painting has come to symbolize the agony of humanity lost in an ever shifting post hygienic era, where soap and shampoo are missing. Yet, the yearning for a global village where everyone is a potential village idiot is strong. 

Removed from reality, and his underwear, Michelangelo opens up a new door to art, as he closes many to his ass, exposing his glorious gluteus maximus. His legacy is not so much in form, substance, convention or novelty he brings in, but in the fact that I know how to spell these words. He is most definitely in the top ten most influential artists of all time even though it is futile to rank artists since most don't know how to count.

Michelangelo came from the illustrious Vermicelli family known for its patronage of music and sausage. The Vermicellis were one of the two powerful families in Northern Italy during early Renaissance, the other being the Panzerrotis with whom they competed for supremacy in Florence and Venice. 

One of the main points of friction between the two families was their pedigree. The Vermicellis were direct descendants of Alfredo Fetuccini, who had married Michelangelo’s great grandmother, Maria Molto Picolo Panini.  During the 100 year war the Paninis and the Fetuccinis had different allegiances and would not mix with each other except when forced by tomato sauce. This long family feud gave rise to rivalries which at times were violent and unpredictable, but always included Calamari.

Although little of this feud is known, there are documents which shed light on how the Fetuccinis tried to undercut the Vermicelli’s patronage of sausage arts to damage Michelangelo’s reputation. 

A projection of human existential angst, Mona Lisa in the Bathtub is an expression of man's hunger after eating dumpling, and sees the world as a composition that reflects the unconscious will of a cosmopolitan villager looking for a ride to a local witch burning jam. 

Later in life, Michelangelo confessed that Mona Lisa in the Bathtub not only inspired him to paint his master piece, Mona Lisa, but also encouraged him to shower more frequently, itself a challenge in medieval times.  

In Mona Lisa in the Bathtub we see the desire to use shampoo, yet, the sculptural elements in the painting point to a digestive symbolism that to this day upsets one’s inner turmoil as one looks for public bathroom. Therefore, it is not surprising that today’s mediocre exhibitions owe so much to Mona Lisa in the Bathtub’s revolutionary interpretation of water as a washing agent. 

This style of painting, which lacks both form and substance, gave way, later on, to a popular style adopted in the 20^th century called “constipated impressionism”. The focus of the style is to zoom in on the agony of human condition while being constipated during the creative process. As one studies the details of this masterpiece, it is easy to realize why so many modern artists draw inspiration from it as it democratizes art to the point that even a painter with the artistic ability of a four year old can draw on a canvas and sell it to international art museums.

Michelangelo's journey as an artist is a journey without a ticket, full of passengers who forgot to use deodorant. The new discovery will undoubtedly become an object of inspiration for countless talentless aspiring artists who will never make it but feel educated enough to talk about art in local cafes. 

Upon reflecting on Mona Lisa in the bathtub, it is hard not to realize that there is not much to reflect on except the desire of one of the most acclaimed artists of human civilization to have a few moments alone in the bathroom, preferably with running water.

Written for “Modern Art” Magazine, April 2017

Ped Shawn, Editor-at-large