Hitler's First Online Chat

"Don't make me giggle you naughty girls"

It took me 4 years of research, hard work and quite a few adventures, adventures which would make The Da Vinci Code read like a children story, to uncover one of the most closely guarded secrets of the last 70 years: Hitler's online chats and his effort to find a date on Internet  (or as it was known at the time "Hitlernet"). 

I am in a position now to publish some of Hitler's online shenanigans in a multi-part series on my blog. This particular chapter deals with a girl Hitler met on the website NOHARMONY.REICH. According to the archives, Hitler had already sent a couple of Nazi salutes (equivalent to “like” on Facebook) to which the girl hadn’t responded to. He subsequently ordered a crack team of hackers in Gestapo's employ to hack into her account and force her to chat with him. 

Here is Hitler's first chat which originally took place in March 1938:

===========================================

Hitler: Heil cutie!

Stefanie: Heil? You mean hi!

Hitler: No, I mean Heil

Stefanie: But Heil who?

Hitler: Heil me

Stefanie: Heil you? Why you? Who are you? You must have a really big ego

Hitler: Well, I am Hitler, but you can call me Fuhrer. And yes, I have a big ego. I am German

Stefanie: I thought you were Austrian

Hitler: German, Austrian, schnitzel, schnatzel. We’re all the same

Stefanie: No we’re not, different history, different worldview, different…

Hitler: SHUT UP, You are getting on my nerves, are you going to salute me or should I send the Gestapo

Stefanie: Hey, hey, take it easy! This is a dating site, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward

Hitler: This is my best foot

Stefanie: I hate to see your bad foot

Hitler: Would you like to see my bad foot?

Stefanie: Why would I want to see your bad foot?

Hitler: Well, I am the Fuhrer; even my bad foot is awesome

Stefanie: So what brought you to this site?

Hitler: Well, I am feeling a bit lonely; I thought I should look for a companion

Stefanie: Well, what do you expect, you hate every other race on earth, and you start wars, kill and jail innocent people…

Hitler: What’s your point? Should I be alone because of my beliefs?

Stefanie: No, I’m saying you should be alone because you’re crazy

Hitler: I’m crazy for you!

Stefanie: No, I mean you are actually crazy!

Hitler: No, I’m just misunderstood

Stefanie: Hmmm, I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure you’re crazy

Hitler: No, I am telling you, I am misunderstood

Stefanie: But why do you think that?

Hitler: Because after my speeches everyone says they couldn’t understand what I was saying

Stefanie: Could it be because you keep shouting? Who gives speeches like that?

Hitler: I do! And I shout because I want everyone to hear me

Stefanie: You know that’s what the microphone’s supposed to do for you, right?

Hitler: Really? So you mean even if I speak quietly my voice is amplified?

Stefanie: Yep! You’re not brightest bulb on the tree, are you?

……. (Hitler goes silent)

Stefanie: Are you there?

Hitler: Yes

Stefanie: How come you went quite?

Hitler: You hurt my feelings

Stefanie: What? You have feelings?

Hitler: No, but I can simulate. I watch a lot of movies

Stefanie: I never imagined you feeling bad for anything or anyone

Hitler: Because I don’t. I do feel bad for myself all the time though

Stefanie: Why?

Hitler: Promise not tell anyone

Stefanie: No

Hitler: I will kill you

Stefanie: OK, OK, I promise

Hitler: I feel like the whole world sometime is falling apart

Stefanie: Duhhh! Of course it is! It is falling apart because of you

Hitler: We haven’t even gone out once and you’re already blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in the world

Stefanie: Because you are to blame

Hitler: What! Can’t a Fuhrer start a war? What’s this world coming to? So what am I good for if I can’t even start a war in one continent, just one! There’s like another four continents I didn’t start a war in….yet.

Stefanie: Well, why do you have to mess everyone’s life up? Can’t you just help people?

Hitler: Why should I? Nobody helped me

Stefanie: Really? Nobody? Ever? Didn’t your dad ever sit with you and loved and cared for you to show you the ways of the world?

Hitler: No, he always beat me up

Stefanie: Oh! OK, I am sure your mom loved you and cared for you

Hitler: She did love me, but she was too busy working and keeping my dad from punishing me to spend quality time with me

Stefanie: Well, how about your brothers and sisters?

Hitler: I don’t have any brothers. My sister stopped talking to me a while back

Stefanie: Why?

Hitler: I don’t want to tell you

Stefanie: Why? How bad can it be? I mean your started wars for crying out loud

Hitler: Well… still… not sure if I should

Stefanie: You don’t seem like the shy type Adolf

Hitler: Call me Fuhrer

Stefanie: OK, you don’t seem like the shy type, FUHRER! Happy?

Hitler: Yes :)

Stefanie: Wow, you put a smiley in your text

Hitler: Yes, but I’m not really smiling, so you know

Stefanie: OK, I get it, you’re tough! Grrrrr ! :)

Hitler: Only I put smiley in my text, I don’t want you to have any emoticons in our conversations, only I can use them

Stefanie: OK, OK, gee, touchy!

Hitler: Don’t touch me

Stefanie: I’m not! I’m just saying don’t be so sensitive

Hitler: I`m not. Did you know I have a special division dedicated to emoticon development?

Stefanie: Really? How come?

Hitler: I am incapable of expressing real emotions, so I decided to come up with these digital displays

Stefanie: That explains a lot

Hitler: Doesn’t it? ELOL!

Stefanie: What’s ELOL?

Hitler: Evil Laugh Out Loud

Stefanie: You need help

Hitler: Mostly on the Eastern Front

Stefanie: I have to go

Hitler: So you want to go for a Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte (1) and hang out?

Stefanie: I don’t think so, you creep me out

Hitler: Can I send SS troopers to bring you over?

Stefanie: Noooooooo! I`m going to block you, don’t text me again

Hitler: I know where you live

Stefanie: What, no, please! OK I`ll have a Kirschtorte with you, but that`s all

Hitler: Good

Stefanie: Have you chatted with anybody else on this site?

Hitler: Yes, one other girl named Mitzie

Stefanie: How was she?

Hitler: She was really nice to me, she said I inspired her

Stefanie: Really? To do what?

Hitler: Not sure exactly, but the next day I read in the paper a girl name Mitzie committed suicide but survived

Stefanie: Don`t you see a pattern here?

Hitler: Hmmm, you got me thinking

Stefanie: About time someone did!

Hitler: So are we on for tomorrow?

Stefanie: Do I have a choice?

Hitler: No

Stefanie: So I guess we are

Hitler: OK, I`ll send a Panzer division to pick you up

Stefanie: The whole division?

Hitler: Yes, it’s really for me, not you, you are insignificant

Stefanie: Wow, that`s something every woman wants to hear

Hitler: I know! Great, I`ll see you in a Blitzkrieg!

Stefanie: :(

Hitler: If I had a country for every time someone sent me that emoticon! I`d be ruling the world by now, ELOL!!!

[Next Chapter: Hitler Meets Stefanie]

(1) Black Forest cake