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| "Don't make me giggle you naughty girls" |
It took me 4 years of research, hard work and quite a few
adventures, adventures which would make The Da Vinci Code read like a
children story, to uncover one of the most closely guarded secrets of the last
70 years: Hitler's online chats and his effort to find a date on Internet (or as it was known at the time
"Hitlernet").
I am in a position now to publish some of Hitler's online shenanigans
in a multi-part series on my blog. This particular chapter deals with a girl Hitler met on the
website NOHARMONY.REICH. According to the archives, Hitler had already
sent a couple of Nazi salutes (equivalent to “like” on Facebook) to which the
girl hadn’t responded to. He subsequently ordered a crack team of hackers in Gestapo's employ to hack into her account and force her to chat with him.
Here is Hitler's first chat which
originally took place in March 1938:
===========================================
Hitler: Heil cutie!
Stefanie: Heil? You mean hi!
Hitler: No, I mean Heil
Stefanie: But Heil who?
Hitler: Heil me
Stefanie: Heil you? Why you? Who are you? You must have a
really big ego
Hitler: Well, I am Hitler, but you can call me Fuhrer. And
yes, I have a big ego. I am German
Stefanie: I thought you were Austrian
Hitler: German, Austrian, schnitzel, schnatzel. We’re all
the same
Stefanie: No we’re not, different history, different
worldview, different…
Hitler: SHUT UP, You are getting on my nerves, are you going
to salute me or should I send the Gestapo
Stefanie: Hey, hey, take it easy! This is a dating site,
you’re supposed to put your best foot forward
Hitler: This is my best foot
Stefanie: I hate to see your bad foot
Hitler: Would you like to see my bad foot?
Stefanie: Why would I want to see your bad foot?
Hitler: Well, I am the Fuhrer; even my bad foot is awesome
Stefanie: So what brought you to this site?
Hitler: Well, I am feeling a bit lonely; I thought I should
look for a companion
Stefanie: Well, what do you expect, you hate every other
race on earth, and you start wars, kill and jail innocent people…
Hitler: What’s your point? Should I be alone because of my
beliefs?
Stefanie: No, I’m saying you should be alone because you’re
crazy
Hitler: I’m crazy for you!
Stefanie: No, I mean you are actually crazy!
Hitler: No, I’m just misunderstood
Stefanie: Hmmm, I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure you’re
crazy
Hitler: No, I am telling you, I am misunderstood
Stefanie: But why do you think that?
Hitler: Because after my speeches everyone says they
couldn’t understand what I was saying
Stefanie: Could it be because you keep shouting? Who gives
speeches like that?
Hitler: I do! And I shout because I want everyone to hear me
Stefanie: You know that’s what the microphone’s supposed to
do for you, right?
Hitler: Really? So you mean even if I speak quietly my voice
is amplified?
Stefanie: Yep! You’re not brightest bulb on the tree, are
you?
……. (Hitler goes silent)
Stefanie: Are you there?
Hitler: Yes
Stefanie: How come you went quite?
Hitler: You hurt my feelings
Stefanie: What? You have feelings?
Hitler: No, but I can simulate. I watch a lot of movies
Stefanie: I never imagined you feeling bad for anything or
anyone
Hitler: Because I don’t. I do feel bad for myself all the
time though
Stefanie: Why?
Hitler: Promise not tell anyone
Stefanie: No
Hitler: I will kill you
Stefanie: OK, OK, I promise
Hitler: I feel like the whole world sometime is falling
apart
Stefanie: Duhhh! Of course it is! It is falling apart
because of you
Hitler: We haven’t even gone out once and you’re already
blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in the world
Stefanie: Because you are to blame
Hitler: What! Can’t a Fuhrer start a war? What’s this world
coming to? So what am I good for if I can’t even start a war in one continent,
just one! There’s like another four continents I didn’t start a war in….yet.
Stefanie: Well, why do you have to mess everyone’s life up?
Can’t you just help people?
Hitler: Why should I? Nobody helped me
Stefanie: Really? Nobody? Ever? Didn’t your dad ever sit
with you and loved and cared for you to show you the ways of the world?
Hitler: No, he always beat me up
Stefanie: Oh! OK, I am sure your mom loved you and cared for
you
Hitler: She did love me, but she was too busy working and
keeping my dad from punishing me to spend quality time with me
Stefanie: Well, how about your brothers and sisters?
Hitler: I don’t have any brothers. My sister stopped talking
to me a while back
Stefanie: Why?
Hitler: I don’t want to tell you
Stefanie: Why? How bad can it be? I mean your started wars
for crying out loud
Hitler: Well… still… not sure if I should
Stefanie: You don’t seem like the shy type Adolf
Hitler: Call me Fuhrer
Stefanie: OK, you don’t seem like the shy type, FUHRER!
Happy?
Hitler: Yes :)
Stefanie: Wow, you put a smiley in your text
Hitler: Yes, but I’m not really smiling, so you know
Stefanie: OK, I get it, you’re tough! Grrrrr ! :)
Hitler: Only I put smiley in my text, I don’t want you to
have any emoticons in our conversations, only I can use them
Stefanie: OK, OK, gee, touchy!
Hitler: Don’t touch me
Stefanie: I’m not! I’m just saying don’t be so sensitive
Hitler: I`m not. Did you know I have a special division
dedicated to emoticon development?
Stefanie: Really? How come?
Hitler: I am incapable of expressing real emotions, so I
decided to come up with these digital displays
Stefanie: That explains a lot
Hitler: Doesn’t it? ELOL!
Stefanie: What’s ELOL?
Hitler: Evil Laugh Out Loud
Stefanie: You need help
Hitler: Mostly on the Eastern Front
Stefanie: I have to go
Hitler: So you want to go for a Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte
(1) and hang out?
Stefanie: I don’t think so, you creep me out
Hitler: Can I send SS troopers to bring you over?
Stefanie: Noooooooo! I`m going to block you, don’t text me
again
Hitler: I know where you live
Stefanie: What, no, please! OK I`ll have a Kirschtorte with
you, but that`s all
Hitler: Good
Stefanie: Have you chatted with anybody else on this site?
Hitler: Yes, one other girl named Mitzie
Stefanie: How was she?
Hitler: She was really nice to me, she said I inspired her
Stefanie: Really? To do what?
Hitler: Not sure exactly, but the next day I read in the
paper a girl name Mitzie committed suicide but survived
Stefanie: Don`t you see a pattern here?
Hitler: Hmmm, you got me thinking
Stefanie: About time someone did!
Hitler: So are we on for tomorrow?
Stefanie: Do I have a choice?
Hitler: No
Stefanie: So I guess we are
Hitler: OK, I`ll send a Panzer division to pick you up
Stefanie: The whole division?
Hitler: Yes, it’s really for me, not you, you are
insignificant
Stefanie: Wow, that`s something every woman wants to hear
Hitler: I know! Great, I`ll see you in a Blitzkrieg!
Stefanie: :(
Hitler: If I had a country for every time someone sent me
that emoticon! I`d be ruling the world by now, ELOL!!!
[Next Chapter: Hitler Meets Stefanie]
(1) Black Forest cake
