Hitler's First Online Chat

"Don't make me giggle you naughty girls"

It took me 4 years of research, hard work and quite a few adventures, adventures which would make The Da Vinci Code read like a children story, to uncover one of the most closely guarded secrets of the last 70 years: Hitler's online chats and his effort to find a date on Internet  (or as it was known at the time "Hitlernet"). 

I am in a position now to publish some of Hitler's online shenanigans in a multi-part series on my blog. This particular chapter deals with a girl Hitler met on the website NOHARMONY.REICH. According to the archives, Hitler had already sent a couple of Nazi salutes (equivalent to “like” on Facebook) to which the girl hadn’t responded to. He subsequently ordered a crack team of hackers in Gestapo's employ to hack into her account and force her to chat with him. 

Here is Hitler's first chat which originally took place in March 1938:

===========================================

Hitler: Heil cutie!

Stefanie: Heil? You mean hi!

Hitler: No, I mean Heil

Stefanie: But Heil who?

Hitler: Heil me

Stefanie: Heil you? Why you? Who are you? You must have a really big ego

Hitler: Well, I am Hitler, but you can call me Fuhrer. And yes, I have a big ego. I am German

Stefanie: I thought you were Austrian

Hitler: German, Austrian, schnitzel, schnatzel. We’re all the same

Stefanie: No we’re not, different history, different worldview, different…

Hitler: SHUT UP, You are getting on my nerves, are you going to salute me or should I send the Gestapo

Stefanie: Hey, hey, take it easy! This is a dating site, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward

Hitler: This is my best foot

Stefanie: I hate to see your bad foot

Hitler: Would you like to see my bad foot?

Stefanie: Why would I want to see your bad foot?

Hitler: Well, I am the Fuhrer; even my bad foot is awesome

Stefanie: So what brought you to this site?

Hitler: Well, I am feeling a bit lonely; I thought I should look for a companion

Stefanie: Well, what do you expect, you hate every other race on earth, and you start wars, kill and jail innocent people…

Hitler: What’s your point? Should I be alone because of my beliefs?

Stefanie: No, I’m saying you should be alone because you’re crazy

Hitler: I’m crazy for you!

Stefanie: No, I mean you are actually crazy!

Hitler: No, I’m just misunderstood

Stefanie: Hmmm, I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure you’re crazy

Hitler: No, I am telling you, I am misunderstood

Stefanie: But why do you think that?

Hitler: Because after my speeches everyone says they couldn’t understand what I was saying

Stefanie: Could it be because you keep shouting? Who gives speeches like that?

Hitler: I do! And I shout because I want everyone to hear me

Stefanie: You know that’s what the microphone’s supposed to do for you, right?

Hitler: Really? So you mean even if I speak quietly my voice is amplified?

Stefanie: Yep! You’re not brightest bulb on the tree, are you?

……. (Hitler goes silent)

Stefanie: Are you there?

Hitler: Yes

Stefanie: How come you went quite?

Hitler: You hurt my feelings

Stefanie: What? You have feelings?

Hitler: No, but I can simulate. I watch a lot of movies

Stefanie: I never imagined you feeling bad for anything or anyone

Hitler: Because I don’t. I do feel bad for myself all the time though

Stefanie: Why?

Hitler: Promise not tell anyone

Stefanie: No

Hitler: I will kill you

Stefanie: OK, OK, I promise

Hitler: I feel like the whole world sometime is falling apart

Stefanie: Duhhh! Of course it is! It is falling apart because of you

Hitler: We haven’t even gone out once and you’re already blaming me for everything that’s gone wrong in the world

Stefanie: Because you are to blame

Hitler: What! Can’t a Fuhrer start a war? What’s this world coming to? So what am I good for if I can’t even start a war in one continent, just one! There’s like another four continents I didn’t start a war in….yet.

Stefanie: Well, why do you have to mess everyone’s life up? Can’t you just help people?

Hitler: Why should I? Nobody helped me

Stefanie: Really? Nobody? Ever? Didn’t your dad ever sit with you and loved and cared for you to show you the ways of the world?

Hitler: No, he always beat me up

Stefanie: Oh! OK, I am sure your mom loved you and cared for you

Hitler: She did love me, but she was too busy working and keeping my dad from punishing me to spend quality time with me

Stefanie: Well, how about your brothers and sisters?

Hitler: I don’t have any brothers. My sister stopped talking to me a while back

Stefanie: Why?

Hitler: I don’t want to tell you

Stefanie: Why? How bad can it be? I mean your started wars for crying out loud

Hitler: Well… still… not sure if I should

Stefanie: You don’t seem like the shy type Adolf

Hitler: Call me Fuhrer

Stefanie: OK, you don’t seem like the shy type, FUHRER! Happy?

Hitler: Yes :)

Stefanie: Wow, you put a smiley in your text

Hitler: Yes, but I’m not really smiling, so you know

Stefanie: OK, I get it, you’re tough! Grrrrr ! :)

Hitler: Only I put smiley in my text, I don’t want you to have any emoticons in our conversations, only I can use them

Stefanie: OK, OK, gee, touchy!

Hitler: Don’t touch me

Stefanie: I’m not! I’m just saying don’t be so sensitive

Hitler: I`m not. Did you know I have a special division dedicated to emoticon development?

Stefanie: Really? How come?

Hitler: I am incapable of expressing real emotions, so I decided to come up with these digital displays

Stefanie: That explains a lot

Hitler: Doesn’t it? ELOL!

Stefanie: What’s ELOL?

Hitler: Evil Laugh Out Loud

Stefanie: You need help

Hitler: Mostly on the Eastern Front

Stefanie: I have to go

Hitler: So you want to go for a Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte (1) and hang out?

Stefanie: I don’t think so, you creep me out

Hitler: Can I send SS troopers to bring you over?

Stefanie: Noooooooo! I`m going to block you, don’t text me again

Hitler: I know where you live

Stefanie: What, no, please! OK I`ll have a Kirschtorte with you, but that`s all

Hitler: Good

Stefanie: Have you chatted with anybody else on this site?

Hitler: Yes, one other girl named Mitzie

Stefanie: How was she?

Hitler: She was really nice to me, she said I inspired her

Stefanie: Really? To do what?

Hitler: Not sure exactly, but the next day I read in the paper a girl name Mitzie committed suicide but survived

Stefanie: Don`t you see a pattern here?

Hitler: Hmmm, you got me thinking

Stefanie: About time someone did!

Hitler: So are we on for tomorrow?

Stefanie: Do I have a choice?

Hitler: No

Stefanie: So I guess we are

Hitler: OK, I`ll send a Panzer division to pick you up

Stefanie: The whole division?

Hitler: Yes, it’s really for me, not you, you are insignificant

Stefanie: Wow, that`s something every woman wants to hear

Hitler: I know! Great, I`ll see you in a Blitzkrieg!

Stefanie: :(

Hitler: If I had a country for every time someone sent me that emoticon! I`d be ruling the world by now, ELOL!!!

[Next Chapter: Hitler Meets Stefanie]

(1) Black Forest cake

An Interview with the Director [Part Two: Politics]

The armchair revolutionary

[Continued]

Scene 6: The director, crossing his legs as he takes a sip from his latte, with Starbucks logo facing the camera:

Reporter:  Do you believe Sarah Palin dominated the news because people are stupid, or because people like watching someone they consider troubled and stupid?

Director: Well, I have an issue with the way the question is framed. First of all people means us, and let’s face it we’re all stupid to some extent. I think the entire set up of our society assumes a certain stupidity and attention to the trivial that creates wealth for the few. And when you look at it this way, you realize someone like Sarah Palin, not only is not stupid, but is probably one of the sharpest characters around. I personally don’t know anyone around me, friend or family, who managed to become governor, then quit and went on a book tour (without being able to name a book or paper she read) and made millions from selling it. She did more than that; she started her reality TV show and remained one of the most talked about characters in politics and economy by tweeting banalities that created a mass following. If you know anyone who’s done all of that then you know from that rare breed of sharp and astute characters that always plan ten steps ahead! You may want to call her followers stupid but kudos to her for turning it to her advantage. I think people confuse stupidity with ignorance. And yes, she is ignorant of things many consider important. But that is not her problem. She lets others get worked up over what she says. She just goes rogue! That’s the image she managed to create, as unbelievable as that may be.

Reporter: Would you have picked a partner like her?

Director: I have to admit I have a weakness for strong-headed women, especially when I see them in wilderness shooting defenseless animals. There is no bigger turn on. Conservative women in particular are amazingly sexy, well dressed and good looking. They just made a decision not to wear any old rag as clothing to look like they’re for fair trade. I admire that honesty.

              

Reporter: But isn’t that disconcerting to you? I mean the fact that they have no social consciousness?

Director: Oh, I disagree. They are socially conscious but their society is a bit more exclusive than ours, let’s say it includes only 0.1% of the population.

             

Scene 7: The director has the look of someone who’s lost in his own thoughts. His cigarette has been sitting in the ash tray for a while as if he’d forgotten he’d lit it up to smoke

Reporter: You once said that you’d like to live your life in a movie? Isn’t that escapism to the max?

Director: Well, again that’s a misconception. Not every movie takes you to a good place where you'd want to be or to people you'd want to know. There are many people whose lives in the movie is something I want to escape from, and that’s real.          

Reporter: In your movies you constantly speak of revolution and portray revolutionaries, sometimes even violent revolutionary characters. Do you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Director: Well, yes but only if I don’t have to go out on the street and take part in barricades or throw Molotov cocktails at law enforcement

Reporter: But you realize if you are a revolutionary sometimes circumstances may require you to do violent acts such as the ones you just described

Director: Well, you see, the problem is I really like revolutions when I talk about them in a coffee shop with my friends. The thing is I don’t have the physical constitution for violent behavior. That’s why my fiance actually broke up with me; she wanted me to be a bit…rougher, so to speak. By the way, this last sentence was off the record.

Reporter: But don’t you think that’s hypocritical, to ask others to lay down their lives for your beliefs?

Director: You see, I think you misunderstood me again. What you have to realize is that I like to drink Skinny Lattes from Starbucks and I really don’t believe in anything that requires me to make big sacrifices; from others maybe, but not from me

Reporter: Sorry, I don’t understand, what’s the connection between skinny lattes and…

Director: Well, you can’t be a revolutionary and go to a branch of a multi-national conglomerate and order fat free latte, it is diametrically opposed to the whole idea of a revolutionary leader

Reporter: Are you lactose intolerant?

Director: Oh! No, I’m not

Reporter: Do you get points for your purchase at Starbucks?

Director: Yes I do and they give free drinks on my birthday, genius marketing stuff. You can’t go wrong

Reporter: But don’t you think you have an old fashioned view of a revolutionary leader and the image such leader should have?

Director: Well, don’t you think the whole idea of revolution is old fashion?

Reporter: So what is the solution?

Director: Evolution, gradual change

Reporter: But you just identified yourself as a revolutionary, are you contradicting yourself

Director: You know, sometimes if you keep your receipt from your morning purchase you can get 

discount on your afternoon Frappuccino

Reporter: But you’re changing the subject again

Director: No, I’m just saying revolution and coupons are incompatible

Reporter: Who said that? Che Guevara?

Director: He would have if he’d tried a Vanilla Latte

Reporter: Don’t you think he would have been appalled by what Starbucks represents?

Director: I think he would have been appalled by their coffee, I mean, Vanilla latte? Who came up with that?

Reporter: Can we focus please and get off the subject of coffee? You said you don’t have strong beliefs you’d die for

Director: Yes I said that

Reporter: many would say you’re a man without a backbone

Director: How many of those “many” do you think would actually die for their ideas?

Reporter: but don’t you want to hold yourself to higher standards as an intellectual and artist

Director: I much rather hold myself to lower standards if that means I keep on living and sell my movies. 

...To be continued

An Interview with the Director [Part One: Relationships]

To live in a movie

Scene 1: [The paparazzi start shooting as the director enters the room]

Reporter: What is your biggest dream in life?

Director: To live my life in a movie.

Scene 2: Close up; The director sitting in a chair, narrating [on personal relationships]:

Director: Well, it’s hard to know where to begin. There are so many unfinished acts in my life I wouldn’t know which one to choose, which one to follow up on, which one to finish.  I am always amazed at people who get to do few things in parallel, all seemingly successfully and still have time for a hobby or a family. For me, just doing groceries and organizing a small get together in the same day seems to be a challenge. But I think some of it has to do with my social illiteracy. Not having the right alphabet to relate to people or establish a meaningful relationship with anyone. Take my last 4 dates. Complete disasters. By the 3^rd one, I almost called in sick, except I was afraid she may ask for a doctor’s note.

Scene 3: The director and a girl in a coffee shop; director’s voice-over is narrating the event while the camera frames him and the woman sitting at the table:

Director: I remember Claudia, a very bright Mexican exchange student who was here to do part of her Master’s degree in architecture. I saw her over at my friend’s birthday party and we seemed to hit it off. So I called her up a couple of days later to see if she wants to meet up for a cup of coffee and a movie and she said yes. I remember I was very excited; she was very bright and genuinely seemed to enjoy having a conversation with me. Things, though, were very different in a one on one setting. I was very worried about not having anything to talk about and what do you know, I had nothing to talk about. Forty minutes into our date she faked a headache and left. I didn’t even know women bothered to fake headaches while having coffee but I guess there is a first for everything.

Scene 4: Close up. The director sitting in a chair talking reflectively:

I am sick. I really am. Maybe I should get that doctor’s note just in case I chicken out the last minute before I go out to meet her. I mean think about it, the whole thing is just like an interview: Have you had a similar experience in your previous relationship? What makes you a good companion? Where do you see this relationship in two years? I am already thinking this can’t lead to a promotion. And I’ll probably get a call saying: “thank you for your interest in me, unfortunately, at present I do not believe you could be successful in this position. I do, however, keep your number in file in case my circumstances change at which point I expect you to be ready to take your place in my heart as soon as possible”. What a tragedy that is.

Scene 5: The director being interviewed about social illiteracy:

Well, I mean yes, I do believe there is an element of social illiteracy in my interactions, I think I am probably one of the few who is conscious of it. Most people around me are socially illiterate, no doubt. If there was a world ranking for it, like there is for math and science, I think I’d rank in the lower half of the table slightly ahead of Hitler but probably behind Ghadafi.

              Q: But how is that a problem?

Well, it’s not if you don’t care.

              Q: But doesn’t that affect the quality of relationships and friendships?

It does but again if you’re comfortable with less quality and depth in your interactions you’re fine.  You CAN tweet your way into or out of relationships, you can remotely “poke” and virtually “like”. What’s wrong with that? I had an entire relationship based on electronic emoticons. And then I deleted myself and blocked her, or the other way around, don’t quite remember now. I was really sad. I used the crying icon to convey my feelings.

              Q: Do you like frogs?

Yes, I do

              Q: Have you ever kissed one?

Yes, by accident

              Q: What did it taste like?

Chicken

              Q: Have you ever kissed a chicken?

Well, yes, but again by accident

              Q: And the taste?

Surprisingly, not like chicken

Q: Do you think life has meaning?

I am sure it does, but I’m still looking for the dictionary that has the definition. Right now it’s all Chinese to me. And I don’t mean the simplified version.

...To be continued

The Name Is Bond…Jane Bond. And She Is a Lesbian.

Jane Bond...has the world shaken and stirred

She is sleek, she is chic. She is a cold hearted cold blooded spy-assassin. She is not a Thespian, but she is most definitely a lesbian. A lipstick lesbian.

A few days ago I was watching a very interesting documentary on Ian Fleming and how James Bond became the character and the movie franchise we all know and some of us love so much. In James Bond Fleming had incorporated his own alter ego, turning him into an ultimate “heterosexual adult male, not for school kids”. He believed that the world of tomorrow would see many villains who want to single-handedly destroy the world and a strong man with the wits and strengths of a spy and cold blooded ruthlessness of a killer would be needed to keep the world going to hell in a hand basket.

Even though many of the elements of the Cold War and conflict have changed since Fleming’s 1940s, many also remain as present as ever. But one thing Fleming could have not foreseen was the extent to which mores and ethos of societies, particularly in the Western World, would change. 

From the feminist movement and the sexual revolution all the way to the identity politics of gay rights and ethnic minority rights the world is no longer enough. Bond has managed to re-invent himself in the post-cold war era but I have a feeling the end of Bond as we know him is near. The original vision of Fleming for Bond as a quintessential heterosexual male is under threat more than ever. Who is to say, after all, that only a man can save the world? Why can’t a woman live and let die? Why can’t a bi-sexual man be the spy who loved (someone!) and on what basis shouldn’t a lesbian Bond be the one trying to save the planet so that tomorrow never dies? And what about Octopussy? Frankly, I never figured that one out!

I can already see the next generation of Bond being under review and meticulous re-design. The new Bond will be a lesbian female, against the use of force with a Starbucks membership and a well groomed poodle by her side. She believes in dialogue and understanding and buys her accessories from Michael Kors. She doesn’t speak a language other than English, but she is internet savvy and uses google translate to do her spy work. She definitely needs her weekends to herself and reaches an agreement with the most notorious terrorists on the planet not to attack and destroy the Earth on a Saturday or Sunday. She’s classy, one may say even sassy but she refuses to name her dog Lassie (too old school for her). She is witty and tries not to place herself near any explosive devices. She is not a pacifist, but she truly believes stopping villains shouldn’t require hand to hand combat or harsh interrogation tactics, given advances in science and technology. 

Wouldn’t that be something different? A Bond who is neither a misogynist nor a chauvinist? A Bond in high heels and with highlights who tries to put the terrorists in touch with their feminine side. A bond who is not only a bomb expert, but also a bombshell. 

This antithesis to Ian Fleming’s vision and imagination would be the natural outcome of a world that gradually defines and has defined not only concepts of bravery and dedication but also gender roles and, for that matter, gender itself. This new character has no penis envy. She actually has no penis. But as different, radically different, this new version of Bond may be she has two things in common with Fleming’s Bond: She never says never to a good fight, and when all is said and done, she always, always gets the girl.

Oh! Jane…

The True Story Of The Cell Phone That Died

Where should I insert the SIM card?

I was about to call a number I had gotten through one of my contacts. I wanted to inquire about a really good opportunity in downtown Toronto to, for once and all put me and my car out of the misery of a 3 hour daily commute when my phone died.

At first, I thought it is one of the many inconveniences my cell phone had been causing me for the previous few months so I restarted the phone. It didn’t. I tried over a dozen times until I realized this time it is different. My phone had simply died and there was no way to revive it. I went to a repair shop, called the mobile network customer service, looked online for discussion groups and tips on troubleshooting with no luck. It was then when I realized I had lost all my contacts and anything I had on that phone was for all intends and purposes gone.

What an awful feeling. Is that how people feel when they lose a loved one? Is that how one feels after a break up or divorce? Is that how an Olympic athlete feels when she comes fourth by a millisecond and is kept off the podium? Why did I save all my contacts on the phone and not my SIM? Why? 

Then I thought, but there had to be a way out of this; wait! I can send an email to all my contacts and tell them to send me their numbers, it may be inconvenient but at least I can get back all those 200 numbers I never call. It was then that I realized the true tragedy of my predicament: I had lost all my pictures and videos, anything I had saved on my phone for more than 3 years was gone: the weddings, family visits, birthdays and anything I thought was worth taking my clunky phone out to take a picture of. 

You cannot imagine the utter despair and sadness I felt at that moment. The pain was so intense, the grief so massive that I went into fetal position and started to cry like a little girl. Tears were flowing like a river running through a sun-dry valley. I kept asking myself why I hadn’t backed up my phone knowing the risk. What have I done to suffer such agony, such unbearable pain, such immeasurable loss? 

I tried to pull myself together. Life is full of challenges and I was now facing one of the worst a human being can face. I have always taken pride in being a survivor no matter what the circumstance and I decided, darn it, if I have to send a mass email and ask for everyone’s number again I’ll do it. I’ll even take the unthinkable step of actually calling some of my friends on this thing called Telephone which we carry with us but seldom use to actually call anyone, and ask them if they have copies of pictures I’d lost. I will suffer the indignity of checking other people’s Facebook walls to find those blurry, ugly images I used to post straight from my cell phone twenty at a time which nobody wanted to see but everyone “liked”. 

Worst of all,  and now that I can no longer stare at a 4 inch LCD screen for a few hours at a time to fill the unbearable emptiness I feel within when removed from social network, I will actually look at people’s faces and do this thing some call “converse” to fill some of the void in my life (the last time I did this face to face talking thing was, oh I hardly remember, in a birthday party where I looked at the birthday boy and said “happy birthday”. What a strange feeling that was. I had the urge to text him even though he was 5 inches away from me and I could hardly hold the phone without touching his belly). 

Oh! The horror, the horror! To think I may actually have to carry a 4 minutes conversation with a sentient being. Not since the Vietnam War one has been subjected to such humiliation.

I struggled to come to terms with this life changing experience. I had heard and read in tweets about great men such as Mandela and Gandhi who had risen to the occasion in order to make man’s life better and more dignified. All of a sudden, and as if by a miracle I lifted my phone, took the SIM card out and cried out loud: “I shall insert you in a different mobile phone, just to see if there is hope. I believe I shall overcome”. At that moment I felt like one of those legendary men on course to change history. I inserted the SIM card in my spare cell phone and, what do you know?! I had actually saved all of my contacts. So basically, all this blog was for nothing. 

Sorry to waste your time. I have to go now to post a few pictures of my half eaten salad on my profile. Make sure you check it out.