Eat, Pray, Love. Mustache, Women and the Art of War

A couple of weeks ago I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I am not talking about the time I chose the wrong program in university, or the time I told Keira Knightly I am way out of her league, or the time I turned down an offer from Manchester United to play professionally in the English premier league. I am talking about going to see Eat, Pray, Love, by far one of the crappiest movies ever made (the attack of 50 ft woman was a cinematic miracle by comparison)

Mustache, Women and the Art of War

The movie, for those of you fortunate enough not to have seen it, is about (no spoiler alert since there is absolutely not a single original idea in this excruciatingly long movie) a woman who is not happy in her marriage (wow!) and decides to go find herself (I remember that from university years) by going to Italy to enjoy Italian cuisine (for those of not familiar with this cliche, Italian culinary is good), then go to India to Pray (who would have thought the author would choose India as a place of meditation!) and then go to Cambodia? to get advise from a guru on love (don't be afraid to love!!)

It is hard to fathom how someone can actually sell a book by incorporating so many cliches, turn it into a movie starred by one of the least attractive Hollywood actresses (yes, Julia Roberts) and still turn it into a success. I take heart in knowing how low people's expectations are and, therefore, I have started writing a novel titled "Mustache, Women and the Art of war", hoping to replicate the author's success.

This movie is roughly based on my life. It traces the life of an amazingly sexy and good looking man (me), who grows a mustache to attract women. When this scheme does not work he moves to Vietnam and grows a mustache there (since women there are unfamiliar with male facial hair and find it amusing and attractive). While there, he gets involved in the Vietnam war and falls in love with a female Viet Kong spy (played by an actual Viet Kong spy) who kills herself because she can't move to Canada with him.

This is an extremely touching story (she touches me, I mean my character, many times during the cousre of the  movie) in which the best of human qualities (mustache) is exposed to the worst circumstances a man can endure (eating Vietnamese food in Vietnam and praying this is not his last meal). It has suspense (will he eat with chopsticks or fork?), drama (will the mustache work for him?) and action (him running away from her towards the end).

I am sure if Eat, Pray, Love can make it in the box office, this book can also become a box office hit. As a matter of fact I think this book will become to men what EPL has become to women. But I assure you my beloved fans the lead actor won't be as unattractive as Julia Roberts. And that's a promise that is practically impossible to break.

Now if you excuse me I'm going to eat ( in my kitchen, not Italy) and say a prayer (in my room, not India) before going to bed and watch "live free or die hard", which I love. No guru needs to tell me that.