A few days ago I came across something truly astonishing. As I was reasearching the history of Nazi Germany I found a long lost document that contained what is perhaps the first online profile in history. As Nazi scientist were competing with their allied counterparts for supremacy a version of what we now call Internet (known at the time amongst Nazi scientists as Hitlernet) was available to the elite National Socialist party members which was used, amongst other things, for online dating. Adolf Hitler, as the Chancellor posted the very first online profile which interestingly enough was what acquainted Eva Braun with the leader of the Nazi party. I will write about their frigid love affair later but for the first time in history I'd like to publish Hitler's online dating profile for the world to see. I have deleted some of the more controversial profile details but in due time I will leak more of this unbelievable document as I continue my research.Originally Posted February 1938- 1:20 AM
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Achtung Baby. Provide Your profile in 2000 words or less or your property shall be confiscated.
Heil Hitler
Name: Adolf
Last Name: Hitler
DOB: "Classified"
Interest: Women (maybe men sometimes)
Age: Anyone who can spend more than a few minutes with me
Ethnicity: Aryan
You are interested in dating: Aryans only
Descibe yourself in your own words
My friends
describe me as psychologically damaged, mustache loving individual with deep
rooted inferiority complex and a bad sense of humour. I like giving public
talks usually in a rant. Ever since I was a child, I had a thing for invading
our neighbours’ house and putting their defenceless children in confinement
unless they gave me a piece of their schnitzel. I enjoy long walks with my
niece and particularly like freaking her out by showing romantic interest. I
have a talent for driving those near me to suicide and try to maintain a fine
balance between promoting genocide and remaining a vegetarian. My friends tell
me I am a closet homosexual but just because I enjoy watching men in leather
boots marching in military parades doesn’t mean I like men. Just don’t ask Eva
why every time she wanted me to get intimate I planned a new Aryan “expansion”
surrounding myself with soldiers and generals.
What are your distinct character traits
Psychopathic with a hint of megalomaniaTalk about your values
Don’t have any
Sexuality
Can’t make up my mind. I’m really cofused.
Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person
in your life and why?
First of all my parents had no influence on me whatsoever. Second;Wagner. Listening to his music gives me a feeling of "Je ne sais quoi", how shall I put it, I feel like invading Poland
Nietzsche. Most of my depression comes from reading him. I can’t quite understand what he is talking about. My Jewish friends do, though, and I hate them for it.
What is the most important quality that you are looking for in
a partner? Describe your ideal date
Looking for a
down to bunker woman of Teutonic descent, who is willing to commit suicide if
Russians get to the gates of Berlin; enjoys activities such as quite walks in confined
spaces, breaking and burning of Jewish owned properties and setting books on
fire.
Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people
notice about you?
I am a few bricks short, which
ironically will eventually lead to a brick wall between the East and West
Berlin
What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away
that you WISH they WOULD?
My lack of sense of humour. I hate
it when people assume I am being funny just because of the way I give speeches.What are two things that you "can't live without?"
Flirting with my niece
Listening to Deepak Chopra while travelling with a
Panzer division
Describe the last book you read?
Aryans are from Venus, Jews are from
MarsWhat are you most passionate about?
I am definitely a Fascist Fashionista, I love brown shirts and boots on men. Very sexy.
The three things your friends say about you
I am not able to have a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex
I am a hard core racist
I have anger management issues
How do you typically spend your leisure time?
Baking with Martha Stewart
Wearing hunting pants in bed when I’m with Eva Braun
Sleepovers at Goebbles where we get into pillow fights.
Favorite Country or Region to visit
Europe, Northern Africa, Russia
What kinds of TV shows do you like to watch?(Please select up to 3)
Reality show like The Nazi Idol and The English shore
What are your most favourite sitcoms?
Two and a half Jews
Law and Order: Special Nazi Unit (SNU)
How I met and killed your mother
What are some
of your favorite types of restaurants when it comes to "a big night out:
Going to a Kosher restaurant with my niece and then watch a movie directed by someone whose last name ends with –stein or -berg
[Censored]
Movies- What are
your three most favourite movies?
Fiddler on the roofWhen Larry (who’s not a Jew) met Harry (who is an Aryan blond)
The Ten Commandments
Lifestyle- If you drop by my home unannounced you will generally find it…
If you ever enter my house unannounced I will kill you.
Which of the following best describes your sense of humor?
Dark, really dark.
Which of the following best describes your
approach to money?
A penny saved
is a penny earned as long as it is saved in a Swiss bank and can’t be traced to
the looted art work from all across the continent.[Censored]
Leisure
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ACHTUNG VISITORS
Just remember, profiles with pictures have 600% more response. So if you have a picture and still you don’t get a response call your nearest SS Trooper station. [Censored] Our operators will force some women to call you.
